As parents, I think we’re always looking for ways to help children listen.
While it may not be the most glamorous part of being a parent, getting kids to listen is something that a lot of us struggle with. I’m not a parenting expert (and will never claim to be), but as a Mom and former teacher, I’ve learned some basic tips that can help make our jobs as parents a little bit easier…
1.) “Waa-Waa”
I always laugh when I watch Charlie Brown and the adult voices are a muffled trumpet sound – there’s no way to know what the adults are ACTUALLY saying. Guess what? That really happens for little kids! Listen to your voice. When your tone stays consistent with no variation in volume or cadence, it’s boring and doesn’t keep their interest. And, just like in Charlie Brown, you start sounding like background noise. You’ve lost your child’s interest. Try this instead:
- Vary the way you talk to your child. Whispering is something I often use and it can help to lighten the situation.
2.) Say what you mean
Instead of telling kids why it is that they have misbehaved…and why you have to tell them that it was not okay….and that there will be consequences for this type of behavior…. and you won’t tolerate it any longer…and…and… just say what you mean! Here’s what I do to be specific:
- “Uh oh – I saw you hit your brother on the head.” (statement)
- “Is it okay to hit your brother on the head?” (question)
- They normally say “no,” which allows you to say, “Why isn’t it okay to hit your brother on the head?” (let them answer yes/no)
- If they say “yes, it is okay” it gives you the opportunity to say, “actually, it’s not okay to hit your brother on the head. Why not?” (brainstorm reasons together)
And then, PAUSE.
When you see a blank stare it might seem like they are ignoring you, but more often than not, it is your child’s brain working hard to figure out an answer.
Give them time to think.
You may need to prompt them with the question again and say “I can wait for an answer” and mean it – WAIT. I always count to twenty while I wait and then ask again, “hmm..so what do you think we should do?.” Depending on the child’s age and verbal skills, you may have to prompt them again, but give them a chance. Consequences are more meaningful when they are generated by the child which means they may actually remember not to do it again…just, maybe..
3.) Bend those legs!
Standing over a child while talking with them can be scary and intimidating for a child, especially if you are upset. Get down to their level and look them in the eyes. It helps them to focus and it lets them know that you are talking with them not at them. It shows them respect, too.
4.) Let it go <— I wrote this post before Frozen came out, I swear.
After you’re done talking, change your tone back to normal. In fact, get silly and smile with your child. Go. Have. Fun. Letting go of your own frustration and moving on lets your child know how to handle conflict with maturity. If you hold on to your emotions, you might as well be throwing an adult tantrum {okay, okay, I’ve totally done it…}. But, if you move on, it’s great way to role model forgiveness.
5.) Practice Listening to Them
I am the first to admit that pinterest or facebook or a text message or this blog…has distracted me from my kids. But, when I hear my sweet girl’s voice or my sons little sounds, I make every effort to stop what I’m doing and listen. If I can’t, I at least acknowledge them with “hold on, baby, just a minute.” If you practice listening to your child, they will be much more likely to listen to you. And, I always restart the conversation by saying, “Thanks for waiting, what did you want to tell me?” because it acknowledges their effort to wait patiently which means they’ll be more likely to do it again in the future.
We have the hardest job in the world.
We are being watched and repeated twenty four hours a day. There is no “off work” when you’re a parent. But, if you are really conscious of how you speak to your kids, it can really pay off.
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Thanks for sharing these tips. I found it also helps to talk with my daughter at night about anything that comes to mind. It has helped keep the line of communication open and to keep her comfortable when speaking her mind in a positive way. 🙂
Good advice for moms, and easy to do… I’d add to write notes to older kids…it’s cool to see what they write back…and sometimes their notes say so much!
For dads too
Thanks so much for all your suggestions will implement Asap
I don’t know if u have ever had experience in this field but me and my husband have three kids. The oldest is my son from a previous marriage, the middle child is my husbands daughter from his previous marriage, the youngest is ours together. I have no problems with comminication with my two children but I have no communication with his daughter anymore! Her father and I have been together for 5yrs now so its not something that is new to her but it seems that the older she gets the more she goes against me, with everything! Do u have any tips or advice on how to not only get her to listen but to be able to get her to bond with me or be able to have a relationship with each other? She’s seven years old but is very smart for her age, almost too smart at times but I would so love to be able to have a good healthy relationship with her if possible….
Hi Elizabeth, that sounds like such a tough situation for you and your daughter! I’d highly recommend reading the book 5 love languages of children by Gary Chapman. It’s a great start for figuring out how your daughter feels loved and how you can increase that behavior. Sometimes it’s the simplest change that can help to reconnect a relationship! hugs!
Would definitely recommend the 5 love languages. Though I cannot relate@to your situation, I’ve seen the benefits of implementing the lessons given in the book. I teach kids from 7-15 and I’ve seen only positive results upon implementation. Even the most disruptive and rebellious of students became little angels (yes, the boys as well). So I’d definitely recommend it.
The 5 love languages of children.
All the best.
I have tears in my eyes. I am an auntie and the guardian of my nephew, 9 and niece, 6 while tha parents work abroad. I love them but sometimes I lose it.I have no kids of my own. Sometimes I feel I’m losing the 9-yr old. This help me realize a lot, a lot. Thank you.
I’m so glad to hear that, Ping. You can do it – it’s worth trying to be better everyday for the kids we love!
Absolutely fantastic piece. Shared 🙂
shared it already as very useful article. Thanks for sharing
I almost cried with this, it is very frustrating at times when my 4 year old daughter and digging deep for patience had been hard lately.
Hugs to you, Apiong! 4 really is a tough age – they’re almost like teenagers. I hope it gets better for you soon!
I don’t nail it every time, we all slip, but I’m honestly relieved to say that I have been using 4 out of 5 of these tips gathered from other books and from being the mom who learned from her own upbringing . The whisper suggestion is great! I think that will help calm my nerves when I am feeling at wits end. I will definitely use that one, wonderful tips. My twins just turned five at the end of January, and I must admit, the older they get the harder it is to center myself when they challenge me. I know that’s normal-wait till the teen years eh? I think that we have all passed through this article means we are on the right track though, we’re all trying to be the best parents we can be and It’s as much parent development as it is child development. Well done, thank you!:-)
Where did you get the picture for this article? The caption with dad and little girl? Who are they? I’m sorry I think I recognize them..
Hi Sarah! The caption photo is of my husband and my daughter (maybe you know them?!). I took this photo outside of Yellowstone National Park about two years ago. I only ever use photos on this site that I’ve taken personally or that I’ve purchased through a stock photo site. Does that help? That would be too funny if you knew us!
your husband bears an uncanny resemblance to someone I lost touch with years ago. It can’t be him tho..thank you for the reply you have a beautiful family. I enjoy reading your posts you do a great job!
Of course, Sarah ~ It’s amazing how similar some people can look! Thank you so much for the kind words ~ I’m so glad you’re here!
This was a great read! It really does help to be literal with kids (especially potty training!) .
Thanks, Vanessa!