I vividly remember the Columbine shooting.
I was terrified. I read everything that I could about the shooting as if I’d find some kind of answer: Why did he do it? What was the motivation? Will it happen again? Was he crazy? How did those kids feel when it happened? Will it happen to me? I just couldn’t stop myself from wondering and searching. You see, I was in high school myself and it all seemed too real.
Fast forward 12 years and I’m now spending my days with my two adorable kids (1 & 4) alongside an awesome husband who just happens to work at a University. Since Columbine, there have been countless incidents of gun violence and shootings.
And, I’ve wondered, “How would I talk to my kids about a shooting?”
That’s why it was shocking when we heard that a shooting took place blocks from our home. Situated alongside my husband’s University, is a smaller community called, Isla Vista. It’s where most of the college students, from both the University and community college, live. After opening fire in front of a sorority, the shooter drove around that little community and shot at random while aiming to hit people with his car. My husband not only lost a student that night, but we lost a sense of when these shootings will actually stop.
Now as a parent, my husband and I had to figure out what to say to our four-year-old who is growing up fast and over hearing more and more of what we say. Honestly, we didn’t know what to do.
I wanted her to know why my husband was glued to his phone, waiting to find out who the victims were.
I wanted her to know why we kept staring at each other and giving each other hugs as we were in disbelief that it was our community…this time.
I wanted her to know that when I heard that Veronika, one of my husband’s students, had died, I thought of her at 19, and couldn’t bare the pain of that thought.
I wanted her to know that I was scared because these incidents seem to be happening everywhere, all the time, to any one who happens to live in a place where someone is pissed off and vengeful.
I wanted her to know that I was disappointed that I don’t know how to do more. That I don’t know how to inspire change so that this won’t happening again.
I wanted her to know that I’m often afraid of the world that I’ve brought her into.
I wanted her to know that I want to keep her safe, but in my heart, I know that I can’t because life is random, it’s not fair, and the good guys doesn’t always win.
But, this is what we actually said:
“People were hurt near Daddy’s school. Policemen, Doctors, and other people are trying to help them.”
She asked how they got hurt and we simply replied, “by a car. And, someone who wasn’t being safe.” And, then we sent her to Grandma’s and Grandpa’s house for the rest of the weekend because we needed to mourn, to talk out loud about what happened, and to start to move on.
After doing some research and having been through this ourselves, this is a brief starting point for how to talk to kids about a shooting.
How to Talk to Kids About a Shooting
- Know their developmental stage: Knowing child’s developmental milestones, can help you know how to respond. My four-year-old is in a stage of magical thinking and she takes things literally. Her brain can’t discern between the thoughts in her heads (ie. monsters) and reality (they aren’t real). For her, she might connect that, “if I go to IV, I will get shot” and that’s not a connection we wanted her to make, of course.
- Keep it short, specific, and brief (and honest): Strip all the information down to it’s most basic form. For example, with our shooting, we said: people got hurt <–true. Police/Doctors are helping<—true. By a car <–true. What we didn’t say: people were gunned down, 7 people died with 7 more wounded. He was shooting at random right next to one of our favorite restaurants and aiming to hit people with his BMW <–that would have been too much. Keep it simple without revealing too many details.
- Keep them away from any media: I know it’s hard, but it’s best to wait to watch and read TV, news, computer articles on the topic until they are in bed or gone for a long period of time. Kids can’t digest media with a critical eye – again, taking things literally – and the news is not the right source for them to hear about a local shooting.
- Give it time: after some time has passed, you may want to revisit the topic in case your child has heard anything on their own or you have an older child that needs to hear more details.
- Be prepared: Know that you’re child, at any moment, might ask you a question that you’re not ready for. Think about some questions that might come up like, “Why did that happen?” or “Will it happen again?” Again, keep answers brief and simple. Kids are curious, so give them enough to fulfill their need to know and move on.
- Remove them from the Situation: If you can, get your children away for a couple of days while things settle down.
- Find someone for you to talk to away from the kids: I realized that I wanted to tell my four-year-old everything so that I would feel better, it was not for her benefit, she would have been terrified. Find someone (family, friends, or a counselor) that you can talk to privately.
- There’s no right way: You’re family has to find which way is best for you to talk about the tragedy because no one has the “right” answer. And, it’s always a good idea to find a professional to help to talk to or to help you talk with your kids.
If you need more, this article about talking to kids about school shootings from Scholastic.com has some great suggestions.
Dyan says
Hugs, Katie! What an important post. Thank you for sharing.
Katie @ Pick Any Two says
Really important tips for a really tough situation. I agree that we need to be honest with our children without giving them too many details.
Erica Loop says
This is such an important topic. My son is 12 now and I still find this type of situation tricky. I don’t want to shelter him, but I don’t want to scare him. I like your tip that there’s no “right” way to discuss it.