I’ve been in both roles – the Mom and the Teacher.
As a Mom, I tried to connect with my child’s teacher, and as a teacher, I hoped that parents would connect with me. Why? We’re both in the trenches helping to raise, to teach, and to love the same child. We are not on opposite sides, although it can feel that way sometimes.
So, as I sit here thinking about my youngest flying the coop to kindergarten, I’m thinking about whether or not I’ll like her teacher. I’m wondering if we’ll hit it off or if it will take time. Regardless, I know that no matter what happens, I won’t ever want to *stay* angry at that teacher if conflict arises. And, here’s why…
A lot of the time anger grows slowly over time. You have an awkward interaction here, you observe something that you don’t like there…
But, teachers aren’t perfect…and, neither are we.
But, here’s a little back story…
I was a substitute teacher for a long time.
I loved it (surprisingly). I was lucky to get picked up by a few teachers who “rotated” me through their classrooms when they were sick or on vacation. There is a great deal of trust that occurs between teacher and sub. And, between sub and students…but, that’s another story.
The most fascinating part of my experience as a substitute was meeting the parents. So many of them would vent about their current teacher and they’d do it right in front of their kids.
I learned quickly that anger doesn’t always translate to yelling, instead it seeps in conversations with seemingly harmless snickers, off the cuff comments, and subtle eye rolls.
And, I realized how easily teachers are scape-goated.
A child isn’t doing well or doesn’t like school – it’s the teacher.
A child isn’t making friends easily – it’s probably the teacher.
A child doesn’t like their teacher – it’s *definitely* the teacher. <— well, sometimes that can be the teacher, but the point is that it’s not “always” the teacher.
So, why do we want to let go and stop being angry or frustrated or passive aggressive toward our child’s teacher?
Here’s five quick reasons to stop being angry at the teacher (although, undoubtedly there is more)…
1.) Our relationship with them effects their relationship with our child
2.) There is almost always more to a story than you hear second hand or quickly observe
3.) They have an irreplaceable role in your child’s education – even if it’s only for a year
4.) They are important to your child. And, if their relationship isn’t going well with the teacher, there’s something to be addressed there too.
5.) Getting angry doesn’t solve anything, in fact, it might make the situation worse for everyone involved
**Note: if you have a concern about your child’s health or well being, of course, address the issue immediately **
So, What do you do if you’re angry at your child’s teacher?
Be Proactive.
Go to the source. Talk with the teacher face to face first INSTEAD of going over their head to a higher up. No one likes hearing something third party from the boss.
If you can’t talk to them without keeping your cool, try writing an email, letter, or have your partner speak with them instead. And, remember to keep your child out of the debate.
Can’t do any of that?
Then, sit back and observe. In fact, volunteer in the classroom. See if spending some time with the teacher in the classroom with the kids either validates or eliminates any of your concerns.
Because YES, there are times when anger is warranted, but no one wins when that anger isn’t addressed. Least of all, your child.
What do you do when you’re frustrated with things at school?
Leave a comment below or join the discussion on our Facebook page.
Lauren Tamm says
I don’t have school age kids yet, but I really enjoyed this post. I’m in the “give people the benefit of the doubt” camp before jumping to conclusions. I think volunteer is an awesome idea. I knew a fellow mom who was struggling with her son’s teacher. She volunteered in the classroom and it really helped her see the big picture. Scheduled to share!
Lauren
Katie Joiner says
Thanks so much, Lauren! I love hearing that someone else has benefited from volunteering in class. And, thank you so much for sharing this with your readers!!
Mary Catherine says
As both a mom and a teacher, I adore this post. Thank you! I love the proactive ideas you shared, as well as the reminder that we’re all in it to help the kiddos learn and grow! Love, love, love!
Katie Joiner says
Thanks so much, Mary Catherine!! As a fellow preschool teacher, that means a lot xo
Monica says
My daughter is a fidgeting child. Always has been. Her 3rd grade teacher had trouble with her one particular day that she kept on looking in her desk for something to hold in her hand. The teacher decided to turn her desk around to block her access–in the middle of class. This really embarrassed my child. She cried in class and again when she came home and explain her bad day. I knew this teacher was famous for being stern, but for me personally this approach was overboard. Yes I was furious! But I decided to keep my cool and talk to her. I strongly oppose singling out children to get them to stop a certain behavior–and I told her that I didn’t agree with her method. She asked me (kind of irritated) what should she have done according to me. At this point, I too could have lost my cool, but I didn’t. I simply told her I was not the expert, and that I wasn’t there to judge her either. I know my child, and I understand she can be a challenge, but I believed together we could make a plan to help my daughter be successful in her class. We decided to use a discrete behavior chart and positive reinforcement both in class and at home. This was real turning point for all of us. My daughter was more focused and less distracted at school. And I was happy with her success that I started to use the chart myself with her at home. Although her teacher and I didn’t see eye to eye always, for the sake of my daughter, we became partners. I’m glad I didn’t go with my initial intention to move her from that classroom, instead, we worked through it–together, all three of us. This article resonates with my experience.
Katie Joiner says
Wow, Monica! Thank you so much for sharing your story!! What a testament to what keeping your cool and talking it out can do. Bravo!
Lorna Fowkes says
An interesting read thank you. I find, as both a parent and teacher, that I get annoyed (not angry!) often! For this reason amongst others we have decided to home school 🙂
Katie Joiner says
Lorna, I think that’s why I wrote this in the first place – we are sitting at the edge of kindergarten and we are trying to make that choice of how to educate our children. Thanks so much for sharing your story!
Ddelong36 says
Yes to many of these points! I have a high school daughter who plays basketball and the same thing goes for the way parents feel about their child’s coach. You don’t have to agree with the way things are being done with your child, but your child should not know. If they complain, listen and be sympathetic, but the greater lesson is for your child to show respect for authority. There is nothing worse than a player who complains and infects the rest of the team with a negative attitude toward the coach….something they have heard from home!!!
Katie Joiner says
It really is complicated, isn’t it?! But I agree, attitude matters!
Lauren says
I always say “if you only believe half the things you hear about school, I’ll only believe half the things I hear about home!”
Rachel says
YES YES YES! I am a teacher. Please go straight to your child’s teacher, sooner, rather than later with any issues. We can not work to fix a problem if we don’t know there is one. Also I love the part about not talking about your child’s teacher in front of them. They will lose respect for their teacher if you do that.
Katie Joiner says
Thanks so much, Rachel! I love hearing from fellow teachers – thank you for all that you do for our children!!
Pat DeNoble says
Thank you for this important article for parents to read and consider. I am particularly pleased that you addressed the issue of parents not airing their frustration about a teacher in front of their children. I recently retired after many years as a school adjustment counselor and during that time tried to help parents understand that problems they wanted to address belonged in a conversation between adults….not with children as an audience. These generational boundaries are important to respect. After all, especially with young children, it is a very complicated and sometimes scary message they hear that you “don”t like their teacher” who is the same person to whom you are sending them each morning. How safe can that feel! Meeting with the teacher, using “I” statements, remembering you are on the same team rooting for success for your child, and as such, can make a plan to improve what is concerning you is the way to go if at all possible. If there is a counselor in the school, sometimes he/she can help mediate a complex situation, support your child, the teacher and you.
Katie Joiner says
Pat, thank you so much for this amazing comment! It’s so true – children are so incredibly intuitive, too. Sometimes we don’t have to say anything, but children pick up on how we feel. I love your reminder to use “I” statements and to make a plan. It’s so important to get on the same page early on.
Hallie says
As a teacher, I appreciate the advice of going straight to the teacher to talk through any issues or miscommunication. You made several wonderful points. I also think it is important to have a positive outlook and faith in the school system and teachers (for both you and your child’s sake), instead of assuming you’ll be unhappy with the experience.
Katie Joiner says
Hallie, I couldn’t agree more! I feel like there is a general feeling that we as parents will be unhappy with our experience in the school system, but that’s far from true. There are so many wonderful things happening in schools around the country, it’s just easier to focus and to highlight the negative (unfortunately). Thanks so much for you comment!
Theresa says
Wow, I wish I would have seen this yesterday. I really needed it then.
Racheal says
Loved this!! My son (and first baby) started kindergarten this year. I’m very fortunate to have hit it off with his teachers. At first I thought i was being pushy as I was always stopping to chat and sending notes about my son and his days but it turns out she really appreciated it. My boy has some speech issues so between us we were able to become partners and find ways to make him successful. It blows my mind how many parents have the “us vs them” mentality when it comes to teachers.
Emily says
Thank you for sharing! My husband and I are both teachers and parents. We understand issues from both sides, where some parents don’t. I really appreciate you putting this out there for parents to think about!
Niki says
Thank you so much for posting! I am a fifth grade teacher and a coach. It is amazing how many times a parent is upset about a misinterpretation, omission of information, or fib on the child’s part! I love your advice to talk to the teacher first. I actually can’t believe how many parents take to facebook and/or twitter to vent about a teacher, especially when a lot of these posts are often based on misinformation! We’re here to help! I love getting emails or phones calls from parents asking for a simple clarification, then we can work together to solve a problem. 🙂